I Just Don’t Know

I remember wanting to get in my car and drive, to that place I always called I don’t know where. Overwhelmed by circumstances of not knowing where that place was at, what to do or how to make a plan that was right. Stuck, broke, bound to responsibilities that held me where I was supposed to be, but nevertheless, daydreaming of the great escape. Envious of the ones who appeared to have it made or at least the ones that looked like they were closer to having it more than me.

Still, in the back of my mind, knowing that if I reached the destination of, I don’t know where, it would be a nice place that was much prettier than my attitude. Either by the ocean or in the middle of the woods, where I could scream, cry the ugly cry, or shout out praises to God after I was finished. I recall that empty feeling that provokes you to speak the same words out loud repeatedly; “I don’t know, I just don’t know!” I didn’t know what I didn’t know, I just knew I didn’t.

I also understand the whispers of your teenage years that can creep up again later in life, with the lie that says, “It’s always going to be this way.” And right after you shake that thought off, another one replaces it, and then you must remember to just breathe.

Telling yourself if you had known then what you know now, but you realize it still doesn’t change anything in the now. The regrets, the should of, wish you would of. These words combined with the others are all a sign of that word you hate, depression. But when you admit that it has come to that, you automatically know you must make the choice to accept or reject its calling, because you’ve witnessed those setbacks in your life and felt its sting. Still, the last thing you want to hear is for someone to tell you to “Snap out of it, or you are not alone”, because you are in it – alone. Or at least you feel as though the only one sitting with you is the demon of selfishness that wants to take all your self-worth.

If you’ve never been in this place, consider yourself blessed that you don’t understand. But if you are fighting this turmoil, or maybe your mind is playing a reel that displays all the worst-case scenarios in your given situation, I have attached an old song that really helped me pull through when I was experiencing a down-time. (If you have the SMART YouTube app. you can listen without commercials.)

I hope this helps change your mindset today and that it brings you comfort during the pain. May God hear your cry and plea for sanity and help you escape this desperate place as you meet Him there. https://www.youtube.com/embed/Of25jDDIw_w?version=3&rel=1&showsearch=0&showinfo=1&iv_load_policy=1&fs=1&hl=en&autohide=2&start=631&wmode=transparent&listType=playlist&list=PLYxhpqUnRrEGwAkl8W82V0TubvJqkpEFs